Patrick M's archived and ill-named poetry blog

Final post

2011-04-28T00:01:00.000-04:00

In the interest of compressing all my content and writing into a single, shiny, streamlined blog, I an shutting this blog down. as with my other blogs, I will be keeping this up for posterity and linking. If you have this blog in your blogroll, please feel free to update:

Patrick M Speaks (despite advice to the contrary)

Thanks for visiting.

Moron

2009-11-07T20:46:00.003-05:00

You chose this,

settled in and resigned yourself

to failed aspirations,

to lonely nights,

to a pile of burdens

and no rewards

except what you can eke out

of the aspirations of others.

You bought the lie,

the one you found on videotape,

the one where instead

of constructing the facade

necessary in the world,

you bared your heart and soul

and kept at it until

time had passed and

you were left with nothing.

You fucked up,

followed the formula

laid out for someone else,

sought what others suggested,

and as you discovered your way

you discovered your path

lay untold miles behind.

Secluded and Eluded, Diluted and Deluded

2009-08-21T22:31:00.001-04:00

A period comes
empty echoing
only the voice I use
when no one is listening anymore
singing, screaming, declaring
But simply that which was
which now only is when
It doesn't matter.

So the sounds erupt
but the piece missing remains
poring over some old tapes
reveals it in its glory
but that pursuit is
a quest of the young
and free.

Of course the course of years
in their merciless march
across my crevici and planes
seek to rob the fire
and the piss
and the vinegar
that defined the pursuit of something
that I now understand.

And yet reliving this
trying to capture that moment
or that year or night
when the fires burned high
and the dance carried on
is the pursuit that now
is merely the grindstone
for the hope-flavored grist.

Book of Faces

2009-02-15T20:38:00.003-05:00

So I get on to leave the non-sequitur
As it is a day of the week.
Figure I'll browse the rows and columns
And find the answer I'm looking for.
Lots of hyphenation or just new names
Denoting a waste of time and effort.
And possibilities present themselves
Except to the chickenshit.
So I pass them by and pick another.
Another in my column.
Doesn't mean anything more than a glimpse
Through a lens in someone else's hand.
Of course the one in my own is shaky
And only fit to capture others.
And being cheap the other is darkness
Unless I add a floodlight.
But in doing so I am blinded
Which may be the better course.
As I have been sitting here for hours
With dreams and visions in my head
And sagging hope in my hand.
Perhaps I should go somewhere else
Where they put on a show for your arousal.
At least then I know to expect nothing
In return for a moment of interest.
Or perhaps I should pull the plug
And crawl into bed and go to sleep.

A couple Short One

2008-11-19T13:11:00.002-05:00

As my poetry can be extremely sort (like certain anatomical features), here's a couple, so short I leave them untitled:

Time counting down
What do I know
What do I feel
Deep down inside the depths
Word after word after word
Song after song after song
In this place I hide
In this place I am known
One out of many
Now I am one
In this place

Hello
If you were all alone forever
Would you kill yourself
Is the question I put to you
And I think everybody should say yes

Death
How free can you be
Unless you join everybody
Dead and cold and in a box
Happy that you're alone in peace

Suicide
I personally recommend it
To anyone whose life sucks
So much that they don't care
Except to watch a train bear down on you

Hate
A happy world in an unhappy world
Why do you think I use it so much
To describe life there is none better
But if you're dead you don't care

In The Night

2008-11-07T23:20:00.001-05:00

In the night
I was alone
And yet I hang onto the last fragile thread of life
Because of you

In the night
In the dark
Alone a fantasy goes unabated still
All about you

In the night
I lie down
My mind aflow with thoughts and fantasies
Yet I am still

In the night
Cold bright night
I contemplate my existence without you
My body still

In the night
When death comes
I look back on my life and ask myself why
I cannot love

In the night
The last night
The night that I discover I am condemned
Never to love

In the night

A Love Song - Perspective

2008-07-17T22:43:00.003-04:00

1. Definitions

She is the One.
I do not know her name.
There are many names that
Cross my mind, my lips, my pen.
I do not know her face.
From childhood to rebirth
To cold existence many faces.
I do not know her heart.
For though we may have met
It has yet to be revealed,
Yet--
I count the seconds and the years.
I seek her with every thought.
I desire her deep within.
I love her without reserve.
I cherish her without regret.
I await her in my house
That stands empty.

2. Awakening

The first name, a dim memory
Before I knew love, desire,
At a time of only innocence,
Lost to me before I could understand.

The first stirrings came later,
The desire for something,
Undefined, unrefined, unmet,
Brief spells all to quick dispelled.

Another name, a single week,
The cold of winter lost in
The heat of a first kiss,
The heat of a first passion.

The Voice conceived, gestated,
Born into first form,
Clumsy, bumbling, struggling
to find itself in Love's wake.

3. One Ring

Another name. And a face.
And a history. And a loss.

To explain the situation
Requires conjuring memories
Best left to rest.

From a fateful place engaged in song
To the side of a friend gone too soon,
A lifetime of love and pain, of
hope and regret came.

With promises binding me forever
To her will and her heart until
I awoke to find the dream ended.

After time came consummation
Which left us nothing more to do.

4. Wasteland

Many years had past me by.
Another name, another face,
One that had come before briefly.
For her it had been too long
And she sought me out.
We found solace and comfort,
We witnessed joy and life,
And I lost her to death
Though she lived. She returned
To the role she lost to Death.
And it was gone too fast.

5.Descent

Same name, new face,
Many faces, many of them evil,
Almost all of them pretty.
And under that spell I fell,
Surrendering control,
Surrendering dignity,
Passionately discovering betrayal,
Unwittingly gaining the greatest
Joys my world was ever to possess.
That story lives on in them.
That story has another chapter or two,
But I am alone in those chapters
Because I must write it that way.
It is my responsibility to do so.
That is all I have now.

6. Hope

From afar I share the minds of those
I could have no other way.
The days and months pass,
Soon to be years uncounted.
I subsist. I exist. I prioritize.

Yet Hope remains now,
Given form in another name
And another face,
One I loved before I could,
One I cherished when my heart was elsewhere,
One who was out of reach
By time then, by distance now,
A dream now, perhaps forever.

I have yet to find her,
The One that I seek.
For now my compass points North.
How long it does I don't know,
Yet I continue the search.

(I wrote this one at 1:00AM a few days ago, after lying in bed for an hour unable to sleep. It took half an hour, and I still couldn't get fully to sleep until after 2:00. All it took was a name from a few years back, someone I fell for and couldn't act on, for many reasons, at the time. And from a logical point of view, I still can't, at least not without a whole lot of problems. Thus I summarize with poetry, omitting names for obvious reasons. But if any of them are reading this poem, they will know themselves. Because this is the whole story of my love life, as it may be.)

Lament

2008-05-24T15:31:00.003-04:00

(note: I'll be posting some of the poetry from Stories From The Front Row here as I either add or write them. Some duplication is good for the carpal tunnel, I say. Not that I have carpal tunnel, but you know what I mean....)

And now goodnight to you my love
When last we stood together
When last you knew my name
Time had passed by
At a speed that not mattered.

But time knows the score
Runs for the end of the race
Leaving me standing
Waiting for answers that
Never appear.

Now if only the time had chosen
To wait while I gathered my
Hopes and my dreams and my
Last gasp for love in a
Bleak wasteland here.

Standing o'er this monument
That says little of you but
that you existed, not loved or
left me and left us and took my
heart to your grave.

Call from the Darkness

2008-05-05T00:34:00.003-04:00

Come to me
I am alone here
In the darkness I now live
Forever

Forever
Trapped by my past
This is the way I will be
After that time

The time it was long ago
But not that far away
I found true love then that I know
But soon there came a dark dark day

Now I lie
Alone nowhere
My past replayed through my head
I see her

At that sight
I feel my heart stop
And dreamed of that glorious day
That killed me

I remember her in my arms
Her body close to mine
I could not hear the alarms
And then I crossed the line

Then it came
My heart it died
The end of my happiness
I am no more

And I search
For love I seek
Before I fade away
Forever

Conversations

2008-04-27T17:06:00.003-04:00

(This is what happens when I've been blogging too much and then am faced with a lot of time at work in front of the computer with nothing to do.)

You know you stimulate you argue
Until I really don't have and answer
Or cogent response because you come
With the force of your passion and
The weight of your convictions prepared
For every battle ever fought over lines
Over ideology, over right and truth
But on I go without end because I know
You feel the same.

Battle lines drawn the war rages between
Two camps with labels affixed like pins
Waving flags on your chests, armor worn
Destined to meet, to fight, to never give
Even an inch to your loony adversary who
Cuts and pastes a wall and a castle around
A solitary point on the field of battle
Wholly opposed on every front and dedicated
To total victory.

Blessed you would say, given to grace and
To defend the values on which your heart lies
You walk with God through the world to make
Both it and yourself better and then go
To passionately stand up with words to match
Your deeds and share of yourself so that the many
May be led down a path where all are saved, not
By the God of your fathers but by the principles
Espoused by you.

Into this maelstrom of noise a vulgar hand grenade
Erupting with a Report across America that is
Right in Heart, with a Mission to bring
the level of Discourse to a new level.
You know of whom I speak.

You Want To Know

2008-03-30T15:31:00.004-04:00

You want to know?
Sitting alone counting the days
A single song on the radio
Filling my heart and my soul.
Reloading the loneliness

This is what I know.
Have to answer the questions
Every day when I look into
A couple of pairs of starry eyes
Give them an answer when there is none.

Do you really want to know?
Maybe if I cut, maybe if I bleed
The bitterness building up in me
The questions they will ask one day
The lies and equivocations I will say.

What do I know?
Walked down a path with each one in tow
And I know that I will walk this path alone
And fill up the wellspring of hate for her
While trying to teach them love alone

You want to know.
Pity I say that you came this day
Discovered me too late to save me
And though you don't know my own
Two alone in the world but for me.

At the Eve of Night

2008-03-16T01:29:00.002-04:00

The ghost from the past

It will not last
It will just fade away
Escape from the night
Into the light
From the darkness of the day
It comes to kill me
Then to fill me
It comes to watch me die
The world is gathered here
Gathered in fear
Nobody gives a fuck why
I want to burn want to fry
I want to die
Watch me fade away
For me thereis no light
In the dark of the night
And darkness in the day

(Sometimes I grind my teeth at the singsongy nature of some of my early poems. But this, like many others, was inspired by someone. So since I've had my better poems, Here's some early shit to laugh a little at. I think I was still in high school when I wrote this.)

Triangle

2008-03-07T23:32:00.000-05:00

Alone,
How they feel,
The two that could never be,
The happiness they will never see,
This is their world.

As the darkness descends upon the world, a voice in the lengthening shadows cries out, demanding to be let free, the anguish flowing in her small voice, ravaged as it may be from the tortures.

Time,

Going by,
The end is far away and wanted,
And then the three will be free,
To roam through the world.

Brought back from the edge of insanity, he continues to slide back toward that boundary that all fear, for once he crosses it he will be lost.

Two,

Tested in fire,
The One stands aside and sees it fall,
The end of sanity for the One and all,
The end of the world.

The One is alone now, as he has been for the ages, except for the brief moment when someone had reached out to him, freeing from the shackles of his curse, which now grow heavier by the day.

Life,

What meaning,
It had for any of them ever at all,
Insanity, desolation, the poet born,
Into this twisted world.

The lives are in the balance, for all near destruction, and only the poet can see, in his wisdom, the fate that they will face if they do not all survive, for one falling will take the others into a Hell grater than the one they face in this life.

Alone,

How they feel,
The two that could never be,
The happiness they will never see,
This is their world.

Who Am I?

2008-03-07T23:29:00.000-05:00

What am I here for
In this world
That has been
My eternal hell
From the beginning
Of my life

And I may
Never be able
To know
What my purpose
In this world
May ever be

And yet I wait
Alone here now
Wondering
Who I am
And why I'm here
And will it end

The Second Love Song

2008-02-27T22:53:00.002-05:00

1. a new purpose

As the Day begins
As the sky grows bright
As I rise from slumber
I think of you

Forever in my mind
Forever in my heart
Forever in my soul
I hold you to me

But why do I wait
But why do I falter
But why do I hesitate
To tell you all

And as I hold myself
And I draw myself in
And I shrink from it all
I think of you

2. hopeless love

I am alone
And I don't know why
I don't come out and tell you how I feel

Maybe fear
Fear of rejection
Keeps me in the loneliness that is my life

If I knew how to say
Say what I want to say
Then I would say it
Tell it all to you

But hopelessness
It is my only friend
A friend I will embrace who is not you

3. the curse

I was meant to be alone
Love was never mine to be
But once I caught a glimpse of Love
And as I sit here I can see
That until my end I'll be alone
My one true cursed lot in life
That causes my tortured soul to burn
And strike my small heart like a knife
And waiting for my life to end
Not knowing what I am to do
I know my curse that brings my end
Will make me face it without you

4. the depths of love

As I gaze across the clear blue water on a clear spring day
Looking for Love that someone does now hide
As in the shadows my life slowly fades away
It is as if I have already died
And to those who will find me I cannot say
Because the cruel Love to me has lied
And for Love to come I continue to pray
Even as I grow dark deep inside

5. true love

To hold you in my arms
To look into your eyes
To see you smile at me with love

To kiss you tenderly
Caress your loving heart
And know your love in return

To tell you of my life
And you will understand
And hold me as I relive the pain

To give my own soul life
That I can give to you
And we become as one in love

And as I fade away
When I reach my end
I know you will be there forever

6. unrequited

What in this world can I do for you
How can I make you see
Without using the few words I know
Just what you mean to me
I wait in the shadows my body is tensed
I will not let you fall
You smile and I walk away alone
For me now that is all
For Love has kept me alone tough I try
To say to you how I feel
For the pains of past love they still remain
And slowly do they heal

7. are you a goddess

With in your sight I an consumed
Your beauty living forever
All the world cries out
Your beauty lives forever
You sit above all like a jewel
A star in the sky
A diamond cut perfectly
Without a flaw
I cannot take my eyes away
Take them away from you
I cannot look away
Even if I were to try
The stars in the sky are cast away
to make room for you in the sky
And sleep comes easily
Knowing you are there

8. i leave once more

Fate calls to me and I find that I must leave
And I know I'll never feel the love that you could give
And my heavy heart in my chest is nearing the break
But I hold it in as I gaze upon you for the last time
And I think of what could have been and I know it could not
But the story of you and the story of me begin to diverge once again
Out to the world you go, and off to a land far away I'll be
But know that as long as you remember I'll still be there
And I will remember, and I will replay those days in my mind
And I will believe that something more was in my grasp
So I say goodbye to you as I hear the voice of fate calling
And I find that it is time for me to leave.

The First Love Song

2008-02-21T23:03:00.002-05:00

1. will I have you?

As I sit here all alone thinking about you
I am lost in my lost life
As I think about you, what do I do?
I think of young one, then of a knife
I think about you always at my side
Somehow I’ve always known
Without you in my thoughts I have already died
I am back where I started and all alone
Now I drifted to sleep alone once more
I may never get to hold you tight
As the knife shifts in my body on the floor
My need for you fades with my life in to the night.

2. my life about you

Where ever I may be
I am thinking of you
Where ever I may go
I want to go to you
Whatever I may do
I will do it for you
Whatever I may say
I will care for you
Whoever I may know
I know that I need you
When ever I do die
It would be without you

3. the way to you

Abyss that I look across
That which I must now cross
Not money and power and gold
Does the far side of the abyss hold
With only you on the other side
The abyss to cross is still inside
The pit of my death and emotional hell
My life remaining offered to sell
But inside alone is me
And soon you will be able to see
Me

4. we must escape

Danger in our lives I see
What I desire may never be
For what one needs the other can give
If only we both can sanely live
Desires unfold that you can't see
Desires that flow to you from me
Trapped in lives fucked from the day of birth
That have survived so far in this deadly earth
Seek me out now so we may be one
O lovely beauty, “Run with me, let's run”

5. life becomes a dream

I sit alone of the moon
Holding your body and soul close to me
I look up at the sky and see your eyes
And I know I need you if I want to be
Able to live, to see my life grove.
And I can hold you forever it may seem
But as I write this by the radio alone
I wonder if it will only be as dream.

6. my paradox

Help me
I'm dying
Without you by my side to hold me up.
Alone
Forever
Because I saw you I will be this way.
Into
Nothingness
Because my love is not to be requited.
Now I
Must leave here
To escape from the love that will kill me.

7. I leave you

I sit alone at night dreaming of you next to me
And now I see I may have to let you go away.
My thoughts poured out to you and I can't see
And now I retreat in darkness as you move into the day
And I am alone once more, may I soon be
Able to leave, to die in peace, to slowly fade away.

8. my end

This is the end
I’ll raise up from my death I know not when.
No more a friend
Now I’ll never look into your eyes again.
Love will fade not
Despite the hell you didn’t know you put me through.
The fires grow hot
As I disappear, you do not know what you do.
But now I die
My soul grows darker with everything you do.
And never will I
Be able to show my painful love for you.
Goodbye.

(note: being one of my early works, I did borrow and paraphrase from lyrics by The Doors . Therefore, accept this in the spirit in which it was written, which was not with absolute originality.)

The First Love Song

2008-02-21T14:11:00.002-05:00

1. will I have you?

As I sit here all alone thinking about you
I am lost in my lost life
As I think about you, what do I do?
I think of young one, then of a knife
I think about you always at my side
Somehow I’ve always known
Without you in my thoughts I have already died
I am back where I started and all alone
Now I drifted to sleep alone once more
I may never get to hold you tight
As the knife shifts in my body on the floor
My need for you fades with my life in to the night.

2. my life about you

Where ever I may be
I am thinking of you
Where ever I may go
I want to go to you
Whatever I may do
I will do it for you
Whatever I may say
I will care for you
Whoever I may know
I know that I need you
When ever I do die
It would be without you

3. the way to you

Abyss that I look across
That which I must now cross
Not money and power and gold
Does the far side of the abyss hold
With only you on the other side
The abyss to cross is still inside
The pit of my death and emotional hell
My life remaining offered to sell
But inside alone is me
And soon you will be able to see
Me

4. we must escape

Danger in our lives I see
What I desire may never be
For what one needs the other can give
If only we both can sanely live
Desires unfold that you can=t see
Desires that flow to you from me
Trapped in lives fucked from the day of birth
That have survived so far in this deadly earth
Seek me out now so we may be one
O lovely beauty, “Run with me, let's run”

5. life becomes a dream

I sit alone of the moon
Holding your body and soul close to me
I look up at the sky and see your eyes
And I know I need you if I want to be
Able to live, to see my life grove.
And I can hold you forever it may seem
But as I write this by the radio alone
I wonder if it will only be as dream.

6. my paradox

Help me
I'm dying
Without you by my side to hold me up.

Alone
Forever
Because I saw you I will be this way.

Into
Nothingness
Because my love is not to be requited.

Now I
Must leave here
To escape from the love that will kill me.

7. I leave you

I sit alone at night dreaming of you next to me
And now I see I may have to let you go away.
My thoughts poured out to you and I can=t see
And now I retreat in darkness as you move into the day
And I am alone once more, may I soon be
Able to leave, to die in peace, to slowly fade away.

8. my end

This is the end
I’ll raise up from my death I know not when.
No more a friend
Now I’ll never look into your eyes again.
Love will fade not
Despite the hell you didn’t=t know you put me through.
The fires grow hot
As I disappear, you do not know what you do.
But now I die
My soul grows darker with everything you do.
And never will I
Be able to show my painful love for you.
Goodbye.

Words for St Valentine

2008-02-04T00:24:00.000-05:00

Love is evil
You will be consumed and destroyed
Your soul torn in two
You will die
And in the shattered remains of your spirit
A fragmented heart bleeds with hatred
For the bastard that left you in shambles
Bleeding, broken, lost

Now in the cold of the night
Embracing only yourself
And feeling nothing
The hate begins
It flows
Pulsating
Ready

Now to find the fucker
Return the foolish favor
Bring suffering to the smug
Pain to the pussified
Death to the damned
The circle now complete
The shadows come and steal
The remaining twilight
In a futile existence

Short Poems 1

2008-01-30T14:05:00.000-05:00

At least it makes the post longer:

Beyond The Past

I am growing my power flowing
Always knowing where I'll be going
Love eludes me yet stronger I grow
Free am I now the pace will not slow
And when fear comes I send it away
It cannot follow as I race into the day
But I saw her and the past came that night
And I went back to the past in the last flicker of light

Fading

The world will slowly spread
Till all the people are dead
I think I'm losing my head
It's just been filled with lead
And I can't take this hell of a world anymore
A cold wind begins to blow
My senses begin to slow
All that I want to know
Is a radioactive glow
Take my lifeless body and toss it out the door

In Slumber

As I sit there watching you sleep
I wonder what might have been
And could be
Secure in your life snuggled deep
What would it be like now without you
Without me
And in the calm that will precede the storm
You sleep content there now
Heart is true
And I gaze down on your angelic form
I am secure because of you in what
I must do

Irony

2008-01-28T23:12:00.000-05:00

Center of it all
The middle ground you go
No way for you to fall
In my heart this I know

Standing by the road
My work it brings no fame
As my heart weak is slowed
Each day appears the same

For anything you have
I fight until I die
While you find it given to you
And I am given a lie

You have the help of many
I have the help of none
You have the love of those you don't know
Except for dreams I have no one

Of all the things you have from above
And all the things you can do
I never will see from you the love
The love I silently give to you

When the Day is Slowly Waning

2008-01-25T08:38:00.000-05:00

When the day is slowly waning
When the cold of night is nigh
When all we have to say has been said
It is time to say goodbye

Words inadequate to the task ahead
Are all I have to offer you
We hope that they will warm and comfort
Until the night is done and through

Parting always is the hardest
But one day soon we'll meet again
In another place not far away
And we will speak of new things then

Distances may separate us
Time may conspire to whisk away
But someday soon we'll be together
And so we wait for that great day

The Death

2008-01-24T12:23:00.000-05:00

Death as my friend reins,
The world in darkness forever,
As Death prepares to claim the world,
I howl in ecstacy.

The pain that I have bourne,
The hell I have gone through,
Nothing can compare to,
The pain that Death will bring.

This is my only hope,
This is my only dream,
That Death will scrape the scum,
From this hell that is life.

Pain as my salvation,
Only the death of all,
Will hapiness be mine,
As the millions scream in torment.

Burning in the eternal flame,
Are the bodies of civilization,
The convultions of Death control them,
They wail as they burn.

The End is coming soon,
And the pain is justified,
For Death will not claim me,
But the world will slip away.

And as I stand alone here,
The fires of Hell raised,
And my life prolonged in agony,
As others die in peace.

The Final Song

2008-01-22T22:31:00.000-05:00

In silence and darkness
I live alone here.
No one is near
To see me the way I am now.
They never knew how
I lost the will to live,
For in my life I did give
And I remained a symbol too
Of what everyone wanted to do
So it is good that they not see me as less.

Long ago I came to the world
My plan of life gloriously unfurled
And the multitudes saw me come
Into my life not hearing a hum
Of the approach of my end.
At first I lost just one true friend,
But the years grew darker there
Lonliness now everywhere
And now I was the damned one.
Life had fired a large gun
Killing my weak and damaged heart.
Many a time I fell apart
And the happiness those years that I would know
from the depths of my mind a new life grow.
And the life that I created continues today,
Forever great there, here in hell today.

A dark year it came to me there
Whatever remained strewn everywhere.
If now was called hell I was happy before.
Now all those days will be damned forevermore.
New lonliness did I learn
As in the fires of hell I burn,
Deceived and tortured mentally.
Freedom I thought I would never see.
But the end of my life there finally came.
When I came out I was nevermore sane.

Now I look to my future
My chance to escape
The past that controlled
My very existence.
How could my past
The twisted evil it is
Follow me from hell
To recreate the mess?
And now bourne upon a new land, not far away
From the hell that had spawned me an earlier day.
Beseiged by the return of the past in a new way
There is nothing more here left to say.

But I go on thinking
About the three years of utter waste which was my life.
Total loneliness
Throughout that well of pain that was forever my life.
How could I go on
Through this tourture in the rest of my life?
Is the choice clear
As to whether or not to take my wretched life?

Six months left to go before I am free
To run from the hell my life has managed to be
But then she came into my twisted life.
To my heart she was a jagged knife
Yet in my heart I will forever feel
A masochistic love that is forever real.
Those days live in my mind forevermore
As I know I will hold her nevermore.
And I wandered through the world as I wander now
Searching for that love but not knowing how
I will find it.

The end of it all came that May
As my life reached the final day.
Now I stood alone, facing the world
And from it in fear I almost curled
And drew away forever.
But my nature itself will never
Let me stay away from my life,
Ever riddled with self-driven strife
That returns every day
To make me pay
For some sin I had not committed
Being sure I've not benefitted
In life.

Now I look again to my future
My second chance to escape
The past that controlled
My very existence.
How could my past
The twisted evil it is
Follow me from the first two hells
To recreate the mess?
I began my life by the water
For my life it is like the water.
It is strong when it flows but can be
Divided and destroyed effortlessly.
And did I find the peace that I
Had tried to find lest I wither and die?
Did I discover true happiness?
Was my life no longer a pitiful mess?
Was I free from that hell that I had used to know?
As my life returned the answer to all was NO!
And my dreams were slowly shatteres by shadows of the past
And I wait all alone now wondering how long I will last.

My life by the water is what I live now.
I look upon the water and I ask myself how
I will survive when I see the past again,
For I have seen myself once again go insane.
I have looked for love and I could not find it.
Now I know that I will never find it.
I have seen my life grow, I have seen it torn away,
And now in my loneliness I wait for the day
That I am freed from the chains of my life.
This will be the last day of my life.
This is where I shall forever remain
Waiting to rise and be crushed once again.

In silence and darkness
I lived alone there.
No one is aware
Of the way I am now.
They will never know how
I lost the will to live,
For nothing my life I did give
And I remain a symbol I see
Of what no one wanted to be
So it is good that they not see me in the darkness.

Reflections of December

2008-01-21T10:40:00.000-05:00

Once again I find myself alone
as those who are of my persuasion are
left to my own devices
settled in my place
yet unsettled.

Having traveled paths long thought that I
in having chosen
would be a path denied me
yet here I am on the path alone
sundered from she
due to the disease
the truth of which will not come
from deceit.

I sit and listen to the music of those departed
and then of those that remain
and search my mind and my world
for those in the past
quick in wit
angelic in countenance
or even fair to spend time
on a leisurely day

And those who have passed beyond my sight are gone
forever beyond my reach
and those I can glimpse from a distance
in their joy
I dare not intrude to shatter
the truth
or the illusion of happiness
for my gain.

And thus only words remain by which I
sitting in an empty home
with my hope for the future
away for this night
like many others that will stretch into the remainder of my days
can find the most minute of expression
with which to warm myself
despite Winter's blanket.

And though the season is warm
and filled with hope
the truth is that I have been here
alone
since the beginning
and I shall be alone
At the end.

This poem is a reprint from my MySpace page. But since it was the poem that led to this blog, it belongs here.